Thursday, December 20, 2007

A Letter To Little Rowan Williams, Esq.

My Dear Rowan,

We’re sure you’re excited about Christmas and Santa Clause coming to your intellectually barren hovel. We are concerned because some of our helpers have informed us that you have been slightly more than your usual nasty little twit this year. Poor boy, you just can’t help yourself, can you.

We all remember the time that dear little girl down the street was devastated by the news her father wouldn’t ever be coming home again. Her mother, grandmother and grandfather in their grief still were able to console her with the news that he was with Jesus thus in a far better place. Rowan, did you really have to yell, ‘Bollocks, your father got potted and piled into a tree. If there really is a Jesus he wouldn’t want a drooling old sot like your father.” We’re sure there may be some truth to what you said, but really.

Now Rowan, we know that no one likes to be made fun of especially when one has such a self-felt sense of infallibility, but you really need to try and get along with the other kids in your school. Writing their parents and listing their accumulated demerits and shortcomings may be an admirable effort on your part, but far short of allowing any effort to endear themselves to you on their’s.

Also, it is understandable that when another pupil gets noticed for their work and you know it’s poppycock that you might feel low. It is not understandable, though, in any sense of the word, when you publicly demand that the headmistress point out the intellectual failings of their argument as well as their professor’s gothic-like teaching ability and the entire rot underpinning the education system. Though your reasoning, as usual, is impeccable, your sense of time and place is not.

Rowan, you need to understand people and accept them, what ever failings you believe them to possess. Maybe being kind and understanding is too much, but please try.

In closing, a package arrived by post yesterday without a name and in plain brown wrapping. Quite quizzed, we opened it. What exactly does one want with an inflatable ass and a model stable with a red light and a winking sheep sign hanging overhead? We’re flummoxed. Any help there?

Must run. We know you won’t believe this, but it is snowing here and there are three men all dressed to the nines at the door. They’re probably hawking Winter Festival tickets or some such superstitious drivel. More probably they are very lost and seeking directions having hoped to hang their hats on a rising star only to have their hopes dashed. We mustn’t keep them waiting though goodness knows they’ll talk us into the hereafter and we’ll miss the winter benefits exchange.

Nose to the grindstone Rowan. Mustn't grow up a neer-do-well.

Lots Of e-mail on Jamie Lynn Spears

Jamie Lynn Spears? Who cares.

Barack Goes oBAMa

In a sure sign that Obama knows he's toast and about to be thrown under the Clinton bus with Hillary's newest lovechild, Lil Johnnie Edwards, Barack started the 'I am such a fair guy, I'll name Republicans to my cabinet, just, you know, to show how fair I am' schtick that most liberals stoop to when they think their history.

Obama Says He'd Consider Arnold For His Cabinet

Barack Obama has often said he'd consider putting Repbulicans in his cabinet and even bandied about names like Sens. Dick Lugar and Chuck Hagel. He's a added a new name to the list of possible Republicans cabinet members - Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Obama regularly says he would look to Republicans to fill out his cabinet if he was elected, but at a town hall event in Manchester, N.H., he was pushed to name names.
“It’s premature for me to start announcing my cabinet. I mean, I’m pretty confident. but I’m not all that confident. We still got a long way to go,” Obama said.

But then the GOP names started to flow.

In an unexpected show of strength, Obama stated his intention of throwing as many illegal immigrants in jail as possible by announcing a general pardon to make room for Romney's illegal alien gardener.

In answering a question on immigration, Obama said it would be impossible to lock all the illegal immigrants up, even if he wanted to.

“We'd clear out some of the prisons to make room for somebody who's a housekeeper at Mitt Romney's house,” he joked. “(He’s) an example of somebody who, 'Oh, we gotta be real tough. But my lawn, you know, is important.' "

With his acknowledgement of the importance of the landscape arts, Obama is also expected to pick up the endorsements of TruGreen ChemLawn and the Poopie Mulch's Best Excrement Fertilizer Association.

Archbishop Rowan (& Martin) Williams Kills Kiddy Kristmas

Williams, continuing his vaudeville act, shows why he is the MC for the fastest dwindling religious group this side of the Shakers.

Archbishop says nativity 'a legend'

The Archbishop of Canterbury said yesterday that the Christmas story of the Three Wise Men was nothing but a 'legend'.

Dr Rowan Williams has claimed there was little evidence that the Magi even existed and there was certainly nothing to prove there were three of them or that they were kings.

Dr Williams argued that the traditional Christmas story was nothing but a 'legend'
He said the only reference to the wise men from the East was in Matthew's gospel and the details were very vague. Dr Williams said: "Matthew's gospel says they are astrologers, wise men, priests from somewhere outside the Roman Empire, that's all we're really told. It works quite well as legend."

The Archbishop went on to dispel other details of the Christmas story, adding that there were probably no asses or oxen in the stable.

He argued that Christmas cards which showed the Virgin Mary cradling the baby Jesus, flanked by shepherds and wise men, were misleading. As for the scenes that depicted snow falling in Bethlehem, the Archbishop said the chance of this was "very unlikely".

So, Mr. Williams you earn the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate award this week for insight into how to win friends and influence people. Soon you'll have your wish to sit in empty episcopal churches everywhere hissing into the dark, "It's mine, all mine. Mine!"