So, I did.
I bought a 1959 Ford Fairlane from (I think his name was) Butch Bowman for $40. It was a beautiful two tone, brown and baby diarrhea tan with a Micky Mouse mystery shifter on the tree. There were stickers all over the rear window and a reverse opening hood over the engine. The reverse opening hood allowed the oil leaking from the head to jauntily streak down the sides of the car in place of painted flames. It belched smoke and sounded like a broken tank.
I parked it right in front of the house for 2 weeks.
On week 3, when I observed that my mother was unmoved, I upped the ante. I parked it right next to my mother's shiny new showroom car downtown every chance I got. With shiny Hubert Humphrey for President bumper stickers. On both front and back pitted and chrome peeling bumpers.
I got parking tickets and she didn't. I got tickets for safety violations, but, alas, she didn't.
Week 4 started with bad news. Mel, "my" local automotive repairman informed me that Butch had evidently added some saw dust to the engine to reduce the knocking of bad parts. I believe this was called an enhancement to sell said vehicle to an unsuspecting automotive dummy. That's be me.
During the rest of week 4 (and all through week 5) I caught up on mowing our rather large lawn, cleaned leaves, gutters and other household chores which my mother had promised to pay me for months before. With $85 burning my pocket I paid Mel, "my" automotive expert repairman, for the repairs on my $40 beauty. He also informed me of the need of a new transmission, muffler, tailpipe and shocks. I knew about the shocks because I had been informed that their squeaking could be heard a block away.
My mother, quite pleased, reminded me that, according to her math, I could have purchased a $125 vehicle if I had only completed the work when she had originally asked me and avoided such needs as new transmissions and mufflers. She expected my further work would raise the necessary capital to make those repairs in a timely manner. She had math skills and a memory for detail like that.
Week 6 brought me good news from Mel. He had recently found a $65 used transmission and a $20 muffler and informed me that with proper application of Coke cans I could extend the current tailpipe. To show independence I instead used Vernor's Ginger Ale cans I got from our local beer (Schlitz, PBR, etc) and wine (Gallo) retailer who went by the Spot due to the rather large discoloration on his left cheek. With another $85 (in parts), $9 in fluids and $159 in labor (Mel also had an eye for detail and math skills like that) my $40 car was sounding, but not looking, better. For the current $378 spent I thought it should.
Week 7 brought me a note from the high school principle that my vehicle was banned from the school parking lot because of the smell. Mel was furious at the slight, but continued to look for leaks.
Week 8. Bummer. My "girlfriend" mentioned that she couldn't actually attend the prom with me as she had inadvertently accepted the kind invitation of a kid named Andy. His father, a mere dentist, had bought him a new Ford Mustang. I vowed to have another dentist complete my dental braces work. My mother said that for pride alone this was a good thought, but since his father was the only dentist in town and my Ford Fairlane couldn't make the 30 mile trip to Columbus I should reconsider my pride.
Week 9 our local Barney Fife, Smitty, gave me a speeding ticket for doing 35 mph in a 25 zone. He informed me I had an out if I took a photograph to court when I appeared. All I had to do was show the judge and he would rule that there had been a mistake because it would be obvious to him that my car was incapable of attaining 35 mph. That Smitty, quite a joker he was. My beautiful speedster cost me $57 in fines and court costs and another $50 dollars for a AAA "Safe Driving" course. $485.
Week 10. End of the school year! Even though I was totally available for prom and other celebratory events dotting my calendar I chose instead to investigate the countryside surrounding our community. $39.50 for the tow back to town, but with summer upon me I was now open to do lots of work around the neighborhood to meet my mounting costs.
Week 11 was really cool because Mrs. Lewis told me that I had done such a good job on her yard that I needn't waste gas money driving to her place. She would pick me up and let me use her lawn mower. What a sweetheart.
Week 12 was one of education. Not knowing what a rotor cap was I was surprised to find out mine had failed causing quite a bit of damage. Mel also informed me that my Maxwell House Steering column needed repair. I began to understand economies better as I realized Maxwell had diversified into other products besides coffee. Mel said I had a lot to learn, but he'd give me a discount on the repairs. Add $185.
To augment my lawn income I took on the responsibility of life guarding at Eckles Lake. Mr. Eckles was kind enough to assist me in stalling further paint failure on my vehicle by allowing me to park behind a stand of trees at the far end of the parking lot. That kindness and the extra $11 per week was fattening both my pride and my wallet.
Week 13. The number alone should have warned me. My Ides of March in automotive history. Exiting a convivial place of community called the Surrey Lounge where I had just played my first band job (an additional $6!) I found my vehicle slanting to one side in the parking spot where I had left it some 3 hours prior to my debut as a rock n roll star. Luckily no patrons other than a local of alcoholic fame named Flowers had attended our show so there was no one to see my embarrassment. Mel listed the repair as "ball joint", "strut" and a "Beemans brake drum". I learned that Beemans not only made my favorite gum, but brakes as well. My mother kindly reminded me that it wasn't March, that I wasn't Caesar and that ides was Latin for 15 which I should have learned as a freshman. Point taken. Add $123 for parts and labor.
Week 14. As I pulled into Mel's repair shop I couldn't but help admiring his new (as in shiny showroom new) International Harvest pickup truck. As he showed me the interior including the push button radio (My beauty had the hole, but lacked the appliance as Butch had said that the radio, when on, had dimmed the headlights. It must have been a really powerful radio!) I told Mel of the strange noise coming from beneath my vehicle. With out even blinking Mel told me he had been worrying about my "trans-national axle". I queried the need and the cost. Mel said that it could be a life and death decision and that the part(s), while fairly expensive, were but a small percentage because of labor costs such as the extra men to hold up the car as he worked underneath plus the added insurance costs due to the danger. $303.
I told him I had to check my bank account(s). With the addition of my Christmas account I found myself only $253 short. Time to get an advance on my pay!
Week 15. The car is gone to a far better place. My mother gently said that maybe I shouldn't hang around Mel's anymore because she had heard "some things".
Week 16 was looking up as I had acquired employment at a local pizza parlor. The owner said that I could use his vehicle (a brand new Caddy!) for deliveries and that all my friends could all come out to his new (and big!) house for a party after my first Saturday as he was leaving for a short trip to Mexico on Sunday. Unfortunately, the job didn't materialize. My mother said he had been arrested for something called cannabis. I didn't even know that cannibals were still around.
Even though that summer was really boring I still remember my first car. BTW, I really blew it. I just saw a 1959 Ford Fairlane for sale on the Internet for $16,995.00! I could've made a fortune.
