OFFICIAL: WHITE HOUSE TO BE RENAMED FRED'S HOUSE. ELECTION UNNECCESSARY.
Ace reporter
Frank is all over this.
· Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.
· Fred Thompson is the only person to have ever bested Miyamato Mushashi in a duel. The reason Musashi is so vague about the book of the void is because the fifth ring of combat is really Fred Thompson.
· The reason Fred Thompson didn't want to stay in the Senate for long is because all the extra scrutiny kept him from doing his favorite hobby: Prowling the streets at night killing drug dealers.
· Every night before going to sleep, Osama bin Laden checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.
· Fred Thompson took over what was Al Gore's Senate seat, thereby dramatically reducing the Senate's carbon footprint. Fred Thompson then created carbon offset offsets by wastefully burning hippies.
· The Fremen consider "Fred Thompson" a killing word.
· Fred Thompson reconsidered running for reelection after 9/11 but later decided to handle things on his own. He was soon seen entering the Middle East with a bottle of tequila in one hand an a handgun in the other. They're still counting the dead.
· Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn't stopped wetting his pants.
· Fred Thompson's gaze can kill small animals.
· Fred Thompson once ended a filibuster by ripping out a Senator's heart and showing it to him before he died.
· The actual cause of global warming: Fred Thompson's burning rage.
· The budget to Law & Order was dramatically increased when Fred Thompson was added to the cast because he has to be digitally inserted into the scenes since anytime he's near Hollywood liberals, he kills them.
· Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Fred Thompson.
· Fred Thompson once stood on our south border and glared at Mexico. There was no illegal immigration for a month.
· Scientists predict that when Fred Thompson dies he'll explode taking out the five nearest planets before collapsing into a black hole.
· At a campaign stop, a Belgian Hound tried to hump Fred Thompson's leg. That breed of dog no longer exists.
· Fred Thompson vows not only to win in Iraq but also to forcefully free Vietnam from Communism, thus giving America a perfect win/loss record for wars again.
· If you purchase a weather radio, it will wake you up with an alarm to warn you when Fred Thompson is pissed off.
· An abortion doctor tried to kill Fred Thompson when he was still in the womb, but he cut off the man's hand with scalpel while shouting, "Do you know who I am? I'm Fred Thompson!"
· Webster's Dictionary defines "conservatism" as "how closely one's views resemble those of Fred Thompson."
· Fred Thompson's sense of strategy is so great that he can checkmate you using only a pawn and a knight.
· Fred Thompson can know both the exact position and momentum of a particle. Furthermore, he knows Schroedinger's cat is dead because he personally strangled it.
· The most efficient airline security is to have Fred Thompson stare down everyone entering a plane.
· When terrorists get to the afterlife, they'll find that none of their seventy-two women are still virgins. Why? Because of Fred Thompson.
· Fred Thompson can open clamshell packaging without the slightest trouble.
· In a butterfly ballot, no matter where you punch it the vote goes to Fred Thompson.
· Why does Iran want nuclear weapons? Out of fear of Fred Thompson.
· Some versions of the Bible have Mathew 5:5 read, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth... unless Fred Thompson wants it."
· According to Sura 8 verse 65 of the Koran, Allah told the Prophet Muhammad, "O Prophet! Urge the believers to war; if there are twenty patient ones of you they shall overcome two hundred, and if there are a hundred of you they shall overcome a thousand of those who disbelieve... but if you're up against Fred Thompson, you're totally screwed and I can't help you."
· Fred Thompson appears human sized because he is actually standing a million miles away.
· Physicists say that nothing can escape a black hole or Fred Thompson.
· Fred Thompson can kill you just by thinking about you. Luckily, you're far too insignificant for him to think about.
· The myth about the twelve labors of Hercules is loosely based on Fred Thompson Boy Scout career.
· Unlike fire, Fred Thompson can melt steel.
· Why does it rain? Because God is crying. Why is God crying? Because Fred Thompson punched Him in the arm.
· The original ending to In the Line of Fire had Fred Thompson stand between the assassin and the president and deflect the bullet off his chest. This was deemed to unrealistic, though, since no one would ever have the courage to pull the trigger on Fred Thompson.
· Fred Thompson plans to make it an allowable interrogation technique to rip out a terrorists spine and beat him with it.
· What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Fred Thompson appears out of nowhere and beats the crap out of both of them.
· In the presence of Fred Thompson, terrorists prematurely explode... even if they don't have explosives strapped to them.
· To save tax money, for a while Tennessee reduced it's police force to just Fred Thompson armed with a claw hammer. During that time, there was no crime in Tennessee or any contiguous state.
· You can safely view Fred Thompson using a shoe box with a pin-sized hole in one end.
· In an election, it costs ten dollars to vote for Fred Thompson since voting for him is a privilege, not a right.
· When Fred Thompson gave blood in Alaska, it fulfilled the Red Cross's entire quota for 6 months.
· Fred Thompson is part man, part machine. Underneath, he has a hyper-alloy combat chassis - micro processor-controlled, fully armored. Very tough.
· Fred Thompson uses a .357 Magnum as a remote control.
· Fred Thompson's carbon footprint is the size of the Yukon.
· Fred Thompson once opened a stuck jar of pickles by winking at it.
· Nuclear reactor coolant fills Fred Thompson's hot tub.
· There are only 2 things in life that are certain - Death and Fred Thompson.
· Fred Thompson flosses his teeth with a straight razor.
· Fred Thompson eats lightning and craps thunder.
· Fred Thompson uses a machine gun as a back scratcher.
· If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Fred Thompson loading his shotgun.
· Waldo is hiding because of Fred Thompson.
· The Ultimate Fighting Championship is based on Fred Thompson's playground history.
· Fred Thompson reheats leftovers by staring at them.
· Fred Thompson uses high octane gasoline as mouthwash.
· Fred Thompson can see the American flag on the moon.
· Fred Thompson can throw a 95-mph fastball ……. with his foot.
· Fred Thompson uses the St. Louis Arch as a hand exerciser.
· Fred Thompson's steely glare will soften steel.
· Fred Thompson's gravely voice will often start brush fires.
· Fred Thompson runs a 4 minute mile in 42 seconds.
· Any stop signal that turns red when Fred Thompson approaches is immediately sent to the factory for reprogramming.
· When Fred Thompson goes fishing, fish swim to the dock and volunteer to fill his limit.
· Tides flow in and tides flow out unless Fred Thompson wants to take his kids to the beach.
· Harry Reid insulted Fred Thompson and was instantly transformed into a one dimensional cartoon cutoutposter.
· A Homeland Security directive requires all Airlines to keep a First class seat available to every city in the United States just in case Fred Thompson wants to go there.
· Abraham Lincoln once said, "You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can never fool Fred Thompson."
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